by Charlie Fabre
A sample submission for our upcoming issue 06 Desire. TW: violence
If you are a hitman, please continue reading, this is a serious inquiry.
I am looking to hire a hitman and I will pay you handsomely. You just have to give me a tiny little bit of time to gather the full amount – you see my assets are strung up in all sorts of places, I’m not very smart financially, but I promise I’ll pay you when the full amount is there. Or, if you’d prefer, I can give you a down payment before you do the deed and give you the rest after? That way we can at least get this ball rolling and I won’t lose any of my momentum.
I’ve been mulling this over for a while, though, and I think this is the right course of action.
Here’s the job: I need you to break into my house and attack me. I’ll give you my address, and actually I’ll probably give you a set of keys beforehand because I can’t have you breaking my locks and losing me my deposit (I’m pretty sure I don’t have renters insurance), and I promise I won’t sue you for any damages! I just need you to come in, preferably in the evening, and attack me with all the force you’ve got.
Here’s a little bit about me: I love to go for walks, I believe in the stars (I’m a Pisces) and tarot cards, I prefer chewy foods over crunchy ones, and I still haven’t quit my nail-biting habit. I’m a 23 year old teenage girl and I’m quite prone to bouts of impulsivity and, let’s face it, emotions and mood swings. It’s okay for me to say that because I am a girl, but if you comment on it I won’t be happy (that is, assuming you’re a man?). Now, you might be thinking ‘what does a self-proclaimed 23 year old teenage girl who believes in astrology need a hitman for?’ And to be fair, that’s a fair question.
But, you see, despite those glowing characteristics I just laid out for you, I’m actually a strange person. I have a lot of anger, and now you might be thinking ‘why doesn’t she just book a rage room’, and the thing is that I have, it’s just not the same thing. Those inanimate objects haven’t done anything to me, you know? They don’t represent anything, they’re just objects, and on top of that they’re easily breakable ones so it doesn’t really take much effort. They give you a baseball bat and stuff, but all I really need to do is topple a vase over and it smashes – not much adrenaline there.
I want to fight someone real. In fact, when you attack me I’m probably going to try and kill you, and I want you to try and kill me. I’ve always wanted to fight someone real nasty and bloody and true, but the opportunity just doesn’t present itself that often. So you see the rage rooms just aren’t the same, and I could join a fight club, if those even exist, but it just wouldn’t be the same either. I’m out for blood, I don’t want to murder someone but I want to come damn near close.
I hope you don’t have any morals or qualms against beating up a girl – and honestly if you did that would be rather un-feminist of you, girls can fight too, you know! And if you do, well I guess this job just isn’t for you and I’m sorry that we won’t be matching on this occasion… I get that it’s odd though, so, sorry about that.
Obviously since I’ll be paying you I’ll know about the attack, so you’re going to have to surprise me and I’ll leave the details of that up to you. My birthday is the 15th of March, though, so please don’t do it then because I’ll probably have plans, and if you could avoid Christmas as well that would be great.
When you attack me I need you to come at me with full force. Full disclosure, I’m only 5ft tall and I weigh just over 50kg, so I’m probably going to be a really easy target and you might even take pity on me and think I’m just a child, but I’m not and I don’t want your pity. I’m just saying this to prepare you so that you don’t back down. When you see me you need to attack me like you’re a rabid bear mauling an innocent camper who didn’t peter out their fire well enough, understand?
And I’ll come at you with full force too. I’ll scratch at your face and try to claw your eyes out with my blunt fingers, I’ll press my thumbs into the fleshy parts of your throat and try to block your windpipe, I’ll grab and yank your hair straight out from the root. I’ll kick you in the shin and in the solar plexus and in the groin, and I’ll thrash and scream and pant while I do. I want you to look at me and see the crazed light in my eye, I want you to think I’m no longer human. I’m going to come at you like the tiniest whirlwind you’ve ever seen, but I promise you I’ll do some damage.
And I want you to do some damage too. I want you to cut my hair and slash at my nape, I want you to punch me in the jaw and shatter the bone and my teeth, I want you to snap my fingers like twigs one by one and knock me in the ribs and wind me and watch me double over. And then I’ll charge you and crash my skull into your diaphragm and you’ll wheeze and maybe vomit. Then you retaliate. I want you to knock me out, I want you to choke me to death, I want to see stars.
After that it will be done. If you want to hang out after you can always help me clean up my apartment a little bit as I assume it will be in tatters, and then maybe we can get to know each other a little bit and I can ask you why you became a hitman. No pressure though. When you leave I’ll give you your payment, as agreed, and hopefully you’ll be limping and maybe you’ll have a black eye and be all broody, and I’ll have a bloody nose and a few missing teeth, and I’ll be a completely different person, but my chest will feel lighter and my heart will be pounding feeling like a rocket ship that’s about to explode.
We’ll go our separate ways after that, and I’ll remember this experience forever, and maybe you will too, though I figure in your line of work you must get odd and entertaining requests all the time, so it would be okay if you forgot all about me after a month or two. But I’ll always remember you.
Anyway, please respond to this if you’re interested. I’m going out of town in a few days so apologies if my reply is late, but I look forward to working with you!
swim press 